So, You Think You’re Punny

So, You Think You’re Punny

• A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

• Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

• A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer for me please, and one for the road.”

• An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

• Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

• I went to a seafood disco last week . . . and pulled a mussel.

• What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

• Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”

• A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

• Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.


Woman and a Fork

Woman and a Fork

There was a young woman who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness and had been given three months to live. So as she was getting her things ‘in order,’ she contacted her Pastor and had him come to her house to discuss certain aspects of her final wishes.

She told him which songs she wanted sung at the service, what scriptures she would like read, and what outfit she wanted to be buried in.

Everything was in order and the Pastor was preparing to leave when the young woman suddenly remembered something very important to her. ‘There’s one more thing,’ she said excitedly.

‘What’s that?’ came the Pastor’s reply.

‘This is very important,’ the young woman continued.

‘I want to be buried with a fork in my right hand.’

The Pastor stood looking at the young woman, not knowing quite what to say.

‘That surprises you, doesn’t it?’ the young woman asked.

‘Well, to be honest, I’m puzzled by the request,’ said the Pastor.

The young woman explained. ‘My grandmother once told me this story, and from that time on I have always tried to pass along its message to those I love and those who are in need of encouragement. In all my years of attending socials and dinners, I always remember that when the dishes of the main course were being cleared, someone would inevitably lean over and say, ‘Keep your fork.’ It was my favorite part because I knew that something better was coming…like velvety chocolate cake or deep-dish apple pie. Something wonderful, and with substance!’

So, I just want people to see me there in that casket with a fork in my hand and I want them to wonder ‘What’s with the fork?’ Then I want you to tell them: ‘Keep your fork ..the best is yet to come.’

The Pastor’s eyes welled up with tears of joy as he hugged the young woman good-bye. He knew this would be one of the last times he would see her before her death. But he also knew that the young woman had a better grasp of heaven than he did. She had a better grasp of what heaven would be like than many people twice her age, with twice as much experience and knowledge. She KNEW that something better was coming.

At the funeral people were walking by the young woman’s casket and they saw the cloak she was wearing and the fork in her right hand. Over and over, the Pastor heard the question, “What’s with the fork?” And over and over he smiled.

During his message, the Pastor told the people of the conversation he had with the young woman shortly before she died. He also told them about the fork and about what it symbolized to her. He told the people how he could not stop thinking about the fork and told them that they probably would not be able to stop thinking about it either.

He was right. So the next time you reach down for your fork let it remind you, ever so gently, that the best is yet to come.

Common Business Phrases

Common Business Phrases & What They Really Mean

1. A Program – Any assignment that can’t be completed by one telephone call.

2. Action is being taken – Your correspondence is lost and we are still trying to locate it.

3. Copy to – Here’s a share of the headache.

4. Essentially complete – It’s half done.

5. Expedite – To confound confusion with commotion.

6. Let’s Get Together on this – I’m assuming you’re as confused as I am.

7. Not well defined at this time – Nobody’s even thought about it.

8. Coordinator – Me…the guy who has a desk between two expeditor’s.

9. For your immediate action – Do it NOW! Or we’ll all get into trouble.

10. For your information, please (FYI) – We don’t know what to do with this, so please keep it.

11. Give Us the Benefit of Your Present Thinking – We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we’ve already decided to do.

12. It is in process – So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.

13. Note and Initial – Let’s spread the responsibility for this.

14. Requires further analysis and management attention – Totally out of control!

15. Serious but not insurmountable problems – It’ll take a miracle.

16. Will advise you in due course – If we figure it out, we’ll let you know.

17. Your letter is receiving our attention – We are still trying to figure out what you want.